Captain Underpants

Officer I've been robbed!

OK not robbed exactly but I am the victim of attempted Identity Theft. I'm Captain Underpants, the modest superhero who can't afford a costume so I just strip down to my manly under-garb in any handy phone booth when duty calls. (That's the story I'm sticking to anyway).

But what do I see in the headlines? The new UK Under-Secretary of State with responsibility for Overseas Territories at the FCO, Chris Bryant, is being proclaimed Captain Underpants.

According to Cayman News Services

Bryant was dubbed the “Captain Underpants MP” in the British press in 2003 after it emerged he had sent a photograph of himself wearing only underpants along with sexually explicit messages to a stranger through a gay dating website.

The image of Bryant showed him apparently taking a picture of himself in a bathroom mirror, wearing only a pair of Y-fronts. He later issued a pubic apology.

I hope I quoted that right.

Anyhoo ... back to the point - how to tell me from the usurper.

Chris is said to be 'openly Gay'. Well I'm pretty happy myself most of the time (but you don't see me swanking about it) so that wouldn't help you spot the imposter. But our uniforms are very different, see picture below, I'd say more has been splashed out on his costume and he is apparently less hard up than myself.

Knowing what you are up against is half the battle so I invoked one of my super powers - total invisibilty to anyone aged under 39 - and walked into the FCO to read his file.

I discovered that Chris was born in Cardiff, Wales and was influenced by a famous Cardiff personality, Dame Shirley Bassey. However his father wasn't keen on Chris wearing a cocktail dress while belting out dramatic ballads on stage but compromised and met him half way by suggesting he become an Anglican Church Minister instead.

This also enabled Chris to continue to enjoy singing, something he loved, especially songs from the big musicals. 'South Pacific' was a firm favourite, full of show stoppers like "There Is Nothing Like a Dame", "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair" and "I'm in Love with a Wonderful Guy". All those sailors too. Bliss.

Another clue to identity is to look for hallmark behaviour. For example, while it is customary to rise from one's seat to sing the British National Anthem, it is not customary to take a shallow bow and wave your hands graciously to the ensemble - unless you actually are the Queen the lyrics were intended to evoke. And I don't do that.

The clincher is that, while I leave messages scrawled in crayon on the back of old envelopes in the aftermath of my heroic activities, Chris uses a formal calling card - more Hallmark ™ behaviour? I've attached a copy.