Flirting (that's cleaning it up) with Finance

So ... Madoff the Ponzi Pirate got 150 years for cooking the books - a smart lawyer will probably get that down to 100.

If he enters an organ donor program I'd like his Gall.

Word on the street is Madoff bought his accounting software at the same place the CI government bought theirs - Abacus Abe's Approximate Accounting .

I was cleaning the toilets there one time and landed a job in Accounts. Gate crashed the interviews.

I'd eavesdropped on the other candidates and each one was asked the same thing at the end of the interview,

"What is 2 + 2?".

Most answered 4, some optimists came up with 5 and some pessimists 3.


When they'd all gone me and my bucket entered the room. Very handy thang that ol' crap bucket - kept many a conversation addressed to me short and polite.

"Excuse me Sir but would you ask me that last question you asked all the other candidates?"
He eyed me up and down then shrugged, "OK. What is 2+2?"

"What would you like it to be?"

"You're hired"


And, thanks to the bucket, he didn't even need to ask if I minded getting my hands dirty...

Climate Change affecting Accountancy?

Poor Ken Jefferson (Financial Secretary) is in a bit of a stew. People thinkin', "His financial forecast as good as the weather forecast. And they bad".



The forecast for politics is usually windy and variable, blowing hot and cold alternately, question is: Have Ken's calculations been affected by climate change?


Change in the political climate that is.




Maybe there is a technical issue with the calculator Mr Jefferson bought from Kurt's office mart - always had some doubt myself about it being the right tool for the job.

Stormy weather ahead though, no doubt about that, and the chance of a man overboard.

Could be Ken


Which reminds me...

Which end a rope do you throw to a drowning accountant?

Both.

Don't ask ...

I have decided that I will not take up the role of Governor if I am formally asked to do so as I feel, like Ezzard Miller declining the job of chairing the Health Services Authority, that it would "detract away from (sic) my ambitions to serve the people ..."

On the same basis I am declining to walk the dog, dry the dishes or take the trash out. Bruises will doubtless follow but my people need me more.

Does this mean that Taliban Al will continue warming the HSA chair I wonder?

I can see economic benefits for that in these hard times. "You're not sick, God is testing you - now go away". A soft word turneth away wrath but a harsh one can save a lot of bucks.

As a gesture to political balance here is a picture of Chuckie digging fresh sand to throw in the eyes of the Bodden Town electorate.

Captain Underpants

Officer I've been robbed!

OK not robbed exactly but I am the victim of attempted Identity Theft. I'm Captain Underpants, the modest superhero who can't afford a costume so I just strip down to my manly under-garb in any handy phone booth when duty calls. (That's the story I'm sticking to anyway).

But what do I see in the headlines? The new UK Under-Secretary of State with responsibility for Overseas Territories at the FCO, Chris Bryant, is being proclaimed Captain Underpants.

According to Cayman News Services

Bryant was dubbed the “Captain Underpants MP” in the British press in 2003 after it emerged he had sent a photograph of himself wearing only underpants along with sexually explicit messages to a stranger through a gay dating website.

The image of Bryant showed him apparently taking a picture of himself in a bathroom mirror, wearing only a pair of Y-fronts. He later issued a pubic apology.

I hope I quoted that right.

Anyhoo ... back to the point - how to tell me from the usurper.

Chris is said to be 'openly Gay'. Well I'm pretty happy myself most of the time (but you don't see me swanking about it) so that wouldn't help you spot the imposter. But our uniforms are very different, see picture below, I'd say more has been splashed out on his costume and he is apparently less hard up than myself.

Knowing what you are up against is half the battle so I invoked one of my super powers - total invisibilty to anyone aged under 39 - and walked into the FCO to read his file.

I discovered that Chris was born in Cardiff, Wales and was influenced by a famous Cardiff personality, Dame Shirley Bassey. However his father wasn't keen on Chris wearing a cocktail dress while belting out dramatic ballads on stage but compromised and met him half way by suggesting he become an Anglican Church Minister instead.

This also enabled Chris to continue to enjoy singing, something he loved, especially songs from the big musicals. 'South Pacific' was a firm favourite, full of show stoppers like "There Is Nothing Like a Dame", "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair" and "I'm in Love with a Wonderful Guy". All those sailors too. Bliss.

Another clue to identity is to look for hallmark behaviour. For example, while it is customary to rise from one's seat to sing the British National Anthem, it is not customary to take a shallow bow and wave your hands graciously to the ensemble - unless you actually are the Queen the lyrics were intended to evoke. And I don't do that.

The clincher is that, while I leave messages scrawled in crayon on the back of old envelopes in the aftermath of my heroic activities, Chris uses a formal calling card - more Hallmark ™ behaviour? I've attached a copy.