'Type 42 Jamaican Canoe' visits Grand Cayman

HMS Manchester, a Type 42 Jamaican Canoe, is making an official visit to Grand Cayman.


Unsure  about the terminology?  Let me break it down for you.

A Jamaican Canoe is a type of boat used for drug running. They are slim, fast, open boats with two huge outboard motors and often very brightly painted. Can't imagine how they got their name.

HMS Manchester is a venerable, dull grey, British Navy 'Type 42' Destroyer now used for anti drug trafficking patrols in the Caribbean - if they can get the engine started.

Two type 42's were sold to the Argentinian Navy and were used by both sides in the Falklands War.

Twenty Eight years on a Type 42 has ended up on both sides of another conflict -  the drug wars.

A navy wren has been jailed for seven-and-a-half years for her part in trying to smuggle £1.9m of cocaine into the UK on board a warship

Teresa Matos, 37, picked up 4.94 kilos of the 100 per cent pure class A drug when HMS Manchester stopped at the port Cartagena in Columbia.

The cocaine was found on the Type 42 destroyer - which had been involved in anti-drug smuggling patrols in South America - when it arrived in Plymouth en route to Portsmouth last August.

Some of the drugs had been hidden in the lining in Matos's clothes, the rest was stashed in her locker.

[Various UK papers June 18th]

Hmmmm.

HMS Manchester cost about CI$ 132 million  - which figure is close to the CI$ 155 million that the CI Government needed permission from the UK government to borrow to balance the books.

It may be worth sending a sniffer dog aboard HMS Manchester, because if drugs were found on board and the ship is confiscated for drug running in the usual speedy manner, the original owners would have to bid at public auction against (say) Argentinian buyers.

It could fetch a very good price. Well above market price. Maybe as much as CI$ 155 million.

Yah Mon!
 

Captain Underpants

Officer I've been robbed!

OK not robbed exactly but I am the victim of attempted Identity Theft. I'm Captain Underpants, the modest superhero who can't afford a costume so I just strip down to my manly under-garb in any handy phone booth when duty calls. (That's the story I'm sticking to anyway).

But what do I see in the headlines? The new UK Under-Secretary of State with responsibility for Overseas Territories at the FCO, Chris Bryant, is being proclaimed Captain Underpants.

According to Cayman News Services

Bryant was dubbed the “Captain Underpants MP” in the British press in 2003 after it emerged he had sent a photograph of himself wearing only underpants along with sexually explicit messages to a stranger through a gay dating website.

The image of Bryant showed him apparently taking a picture of himself in a bathroom mirror, wearing only a pair of Y-fronts. He later issued a pubic apology.

I hope I quoted that right.

Anyhoo ... back to the point - how to tell me from the usurper.

Chris is said to be 'openly Gay'. Well I'm pretty happy myself most of the time (but you don't see me swanking about it) so that wouldn't help you spot the imposter. But our uniforms are very different, see picture below, I'd say more has been splashed out on his costume and he is apparently less hard up than myself.

Knowing what you are up against is half the battle so I invoked one of my super powers - total invisibilty to anyone aged under 39 - and walked into the FCO to read his file.

I discovered that Chris was born in Cardiff, Wales and was influenced by a famous Cardiff personality, Dame Shirley Bassey. However his father wasn't keen on Chris wearing a cocktail dress while belting out dramatic ballads on stage but compromised and met him half way by suggesting he become an Anglican Church Minister instead.

This also enabled Chris to continue to enjoy singing, something he loved, especially songs from the big musicals. 'South Pacific' was a firm favourite, full of show stoppers like "There Is Nothing Like a Dame", "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair" and "I'm in Love with a Wonderful Guy". All those sailors too. Bliss.

Another clue to identity is to look for hallmark behaviour. For example, while it is customary to rise from one's seat to sing the British National Anthem, it is not customary to take a shallow bow and wave your hands graciously to the ensemble - unless you actually are the Queen the lyrics were intended to evoke. And I don't do that.

The clincher is that, while I leave messages scrawled in crayon on the back of old envelopes in the aftermath of my heroic activities, Chris uses a formal calling card - more Hallmark ™ behaviour? I've attached a copy.