Flights of Fantasy

Finally got rid of the last blow-up doll and closed a chapter on a business wonder scheme that looked like it would never fly.

All down to another Rapture forecast. Thanks guys!


Pranksters bought up the stock, filled them with helium and set them loose after I marketed them as 'I-cant-believe-it's-not-apocalypse' party ware.

The dolls were quite realistic, that was one of the design features but also their Achilles' heel. I think the real problem was the way they talked, not so much the speech sound (although I don't think I'd use Mrs B doing a  Phyliss Diller impersonation again for the voice) but the phrases used.

Based on my history of marital bliss with Mrs B I went for phrases I thought would provided the most realistic and immersive experience of erotic congress.

For example:

"What time do you call this"
"Not now: I have a headache"
"Mother was right, you are a beast"
"Not unless I get a new pair of shoes"
"At least take your hat off"
and hysterical laughter.

The dolls may now serve a more noble purpose, floating around in the stratosphere, reflecting sunlight and helping to hold down global warming. They are very durable and it would take years before they would go down on you. [Insert your own joke about Mrs B here]

Journalism, Jollies and Jealousy

I have received the following from an outraged (is there any other sort?) UK Daily Mail reader

Dear Baldric,

I find it scandalous that British journalists are swanning around Caribbean islands under the pretext of conducting investigations into British police officers allegedly swanning around Caribbean islands when there is more than enough muck needing raking back in the UK.

Why should UK readers have to put up with delays in back-biting and sniping about the latest fashion faux pas of a minor celebrity? Why should the readership have to forego grainy close-ups of cellulite on the thighs of rich and famous women. And who is going to write those essential stories that make the gaps between tea breaks bearable, like the reports of labrador dogs looking after orphaned ducklings and vice versa?

We all know they are just lounging around in hammocks, which is blatant duplication of effort since the FCO already supply Brits to do that.

Please use you best efforts to shame those journalists into getting back to where they are most needed NOW!

Your incandescently,

Rudi Beckia

Crafty Devil

Q. What's the difference between Nation Building and Buying Votes?

A. Twelve months in Northward

God, supposedly, moves in a mysterious way his wonders to perform but Mac wants a piece of that action. So Mac created and administered a special fund, also in a mysterious way, for handing out public money to Ministers (church variety).

His Holiness the Pope of  West Bay

Pending God blowing the roofs back onto the churches he blew them off of during Hurricane Ivan, Mac takes matters into his own hands and gets them fixed. After all God helps those who help themselves and God knows Mac does that - to his elbows.

I don't know how many roofs you can put on the same church - maybe new oriental influences are ushering in the pagoda style - so it looks like the church ain't the only thing the money is intended to fix, if you catch my drift.

Presumably the Small Fries went along with this extraordinary ecclesiastical handout being, where not God-fearing, at least Mac-fearing men. But, it looks like the Governor keeps one eye half-open while dozes in his pew, for his hand-servant the Auditor General is now on the case.

Unwilling, as ever, to account for public money he's been splashing out,  Mac berates and badmouth his detractors from the bully pulpit of his office, even unto accusing them of being 'Devil worshippers'.

No Mac, the devil is in the details and, unless Joe Public gets to see them, there could be Hell to pay.
(Not Hell, West Bay obviously -that's already been paid).