Bush to sue 'I Speak Your Weight Machine'?

Unreliable sources, ie. not Mr Bush hisself, report that the Premier's sensitivity to criticism has hit new heights and he is to sue an "I speak Your Weight Machine" for defamation. 

Apparently Premier Bush and Kurt Tibbets had a disagreement, about who weighed the most, that turned into a bet. Naturally only honour was at stake not money, because gambling is illegal here, and nothing illegal ever happens in Grand Cayman. Ever.

This was clearly an unwise wager by Kurt since, following the fitting of his gastric band, Mr Bush is less bulky than he was -  Bush Lite, as some wags have it. But it is heartening to find Mr Tibbets disagreeing with Mac on something.

Neither could produce a pair of scales that the other would trust and as it was a weekend the public weighbridge was closed, so they agreed to use a drug store I-Speak-Your-Weight machine that dispensed a printed card recording the weight.

"Yessuh let's have it on record", said Kurt, "That way you can't be puttin words into my mout'  later."

"The man quick enough to put anything in your mout' ain't been born. You so busy fillin it yourself nobody else can get at it", replied Mac.

Disregarding these observations on his appetite Kurt stepped up to the plate (no not that sort of plate) and caused some merriment saying  "This here machine is right up yah political street  Mac. It's Pay to Play".

Kurt patted his pockets looking for 10¢ to operate the machine but seemed to be out of change. Turning to Mac he asked, "Hey buddy, can you spare me a dime?  I'm broke. Like Cayman."

"Yeah! And you the one dat broke it",  Mac replied.

Kurt finally found a coin from a pocket and pressed it into the slot. The needle raced around the dial with an audible whoosh. Zero to Sumo in under a second.

The machine coughed out its verdict in polite metallic tones,  "One at a time please or you will damage the mechanism".

Mac quickly stepped in. "Kurt, you so heavy the needle on the dial is all the way round and bendin' up. Let me try it 'fore you break it."

The Premier mounted the scale's platform, half turned and winked to the growing crowd. "Now watch this".  He dropped his money (your money really) into the coin slot. The needle on the dial moved at a more leisurely pace this time: Mac smiled knowingly. When it stopped the machine's voice sounded out.

 "Whoah! You so fat when you haul ass you gotta make two trips" 

Mac stepped back, affronted, "Enough about my trips!  All I'm hearin' is too much trips this and too many trips that!  You mind out now 'cause I'm gonna sue your ass for every nickel you got."

 

Attempts to contact Mr Bush hisself for comments and verification on this story were unsuccessful as he was entrenched behind his new Wall of Silence in West Bay. If this one works other walls of silence will surely follow.

Send in the Clowns

Opening the new Legislative Assembly earlier this week Uncle Mac Bush (think Uncle Joe Stalin) praised the architects for capturing the essence of the new politics - a three ring circus housing a puppet show.

The event began in spectacular fashion. An expectant crowd awaited his arrival with baited breath and some cheers were raised as his expensively customized vehicle hove into view. As it glided to a standstill an usher strode forward to open the rear passenger door. But what's this? The door came off in the usher's hand followed by a deafening BANG! and vast plumes of brown smoke erupted as all the wheels sprang off.

Good old Mac, everyone knew the wheels would fall off sometime, only the timing was in question, but it was still finely entertaining.

On the door mirror was a warning sticker stating,  "Caution: With hindsight voters can appear more stupid than they actually are. Proceed with care."


Drawing up to the microphone, set against a backdrop of smoke and distorting mirrors, Mac gave a sometimes emotional, sometimes amusing, speech about a variety of topics.

He spoke of his true love for Cayman and, seeming to become a little tearful, drew out his green silk hankie to dab his eyes. But as he drew out the hankie out came many more multi-hued silks all knotted together until there were yards of colourful fabric draped around his feet.

"That's what happen when the Auditor General get hisself involved in drawing up a specification", he quipped, "Everything ends up oversized and overcomplicated. Yessuh! I wanted Dan the Man fired, from the canon, and, though some say we wouldn't,  I say we would find someone else of his calibre."

He also touched on the other circuses in town. "We only need one circus. Competition from the Media Circus and the Civil Circus for equal billing is no longer welcome. If they want to pull their stunts and have performing Seales and stuff like that they going to have to pay good fees in future." And he wasn’t talking about just $5000, “I’m talking over $100,000”. He indicated that in the future, so long as it was inside his tent, any public performer would be allowed to walk a tightrope, "mighty tight too", without fear of repercussions - or a safety net.

And talking of rope he said people had run out of it, Cayman had run out of it, and he'd given them all the rope he was going too. "The Civil Circus don't deliver the old rope we pay them for and we just don't make the stuff anymore" - although that could change depending on the economic situation, which Sideshow Jefferson was juggling with but  it was all up in the air at the moment.